24-SEP-03: Tomorrow we are starting an NLP evening course. It's being run by the borough council, which is great because that means the course is fantastic value for money... I know only two things about NLP - that it stands for Neuro Linguistic Programming and that it is derived from techniques to model people who excel in their fields.

I'll be doing the course with the fabulous Sarah, my partner; I think it'll be a real benefit being able to chat about the course at home, but at the moment it just means that we're both nervous about starting it...

26-SEP-03: We had the first class last night. The guy who was going to do the course has cried off, so we have two ladies running it instead. I must confess that initially I thought that my worst fears of it being all cheesy and American were going to be realised, but I was impressed by the impact the initial session had on people.

The course is sub-titled "making it happen", and so true to the title we have to set and achieve a goal during the course (it's ten weeks). Now I love learning the theory, but actually putting these things into practice and changing my life is much more challenging. Despite my trepidation, I'm glad as I know I need a push to get the results I want.

To help provide support to everyone in the class the tutors have instigated a buddy system. We all have to phone our buddy's before the next class to discuss our homework: setting our goals.

28-SEP-03: Bugger! We're going to be out on Tuesday, but I said I'd phone my buddy then. Every other evening is taken. Damn my terrible memory...

I phone my buddy on the off chance she is in, but leave a message apologising. Feel really bad - have broken promise already!

03-OCT-03: Having got myself feeling really guilty about not phoning buddy she is, of course, fine about it all and says that she couldn't do it then either, but that I phoned first...

The second class was good - lots of useful discussions with the others in the group. The tutors are acting very much in the role of facilitators - planting seeds of ideas with us and getting discussions going. It's a bit of a different style for me. It's producing some very useful realisations for me, but I'm not learning lots of NLP models like I thought I would be.

The goal I came up with for homework was "I want to feel more in control of my own destiny at work". However lots of things in the class served to alter this. First we examined our values. A fundamental one identified was that I value change. When we discussed our values Debbie suggested that my feeling of unease in my work could be because I work for a big company that is difficult to change. She suggested my goal should be to get another job for a small company

Now I'm not ready to move jobs, but here contribution got me thinking: Goal is now "I want to find out what I want to do"

05-OCT-03: Have just chatted to Dad. He suggested that the goal could be reframed as 'what do I want to be'. That way my life choice can define my career choice rather than the other way around. He's so right. Now feeling really good about my goal...

10-OCT-03: The class wasn't as positive for me last night, but it has helped me finalise goal: "I will discover what I want to be". Last week we got loads of homework (which I did!). I now have a time plan to achieve my goal, an examination of my values and a 'visualisation' of my goal.

The visualisation is supposed to help remind you of your goal. I have one version for the kitchen and one for work (because there is some text saying "searching for something different" in it and that might not be very subtle for work). It's a montage of images from Google's image search; I searched for things like breakthrough, realisation, discovery, design. Got some great stuff, but all copyrighted, so can't share with you lot, sorry...

12-OCT-03: Visualisation is now pinned to my partition at work! I feel like such a rebel!

15-OCT-03: Lots of progress last night - I did some really useful work for homework on my limiting beliefs (it appears I'm quite limited...). I also got lots out of writing down a list of people I admire and their admirable qualities. One thing they all had in common was their energy. Maybe this is pointing me to a life where I can use more of my energy?

Also last night was buddy night, she phoned me this time and we had a great chat! She is feeling much more positive and moving on in leaps and bounds. The talk also helped me to understand some things about my limiting beliefs much better. All in all a very positive, but draining, experience. I have some new ideas, but too numerous for here, so you'll have to watch the updates for new concepts...

17-OCT-03: Last night was session number four, they're zooming along, but I am keeping up with my goal plan for now. To be honest, it's not the most demanding plan, but I feel that as it is all discovery about myself I need some time to get used to what I find.

I felt really knackered and stressed again, and was worried I wouldn't be in a very receptive mood (like last week). However, sat next to Steve who has a very quirky sense of humour and had me relaxed and chuckling in no time. It was really good - all about thinking styles, which tied in with stuff I have done on learning styles before. Once again I'm Mr Visual thinker...

We did this cool thing on watching people's eye movements to ascertain what type of thinker they might be. Once you know you are supposed to be able to build better rapport by using their language to chat to them. So far I haven't managed to remember to check once. Must have conversation and notice eye movements today. Mmm... Perhaps I'll call a meeting...

20-OCT-03: Did a drivers questionnaire from Corporate Coach (Download) tonight. I'm sure that I've done something like this before, so wasn't prepared for it to give much new information, but I was very surprised at what I found. The discussion of the 5 driver types was excellent and I think it'll be useful to me in discovering more.

One thing that struck me was that I am learning little bits of a (hopefully) much wider picture and that it will be difficult to keep them all in mind and make sense of all the disparate results. I am going to attempt to create some sort of diagram to pull it all together...

22-OCT-03: Buddy chat tonight. My buddy has started doing loads of things - including going on a parachute jump!! Very impressed that she did it. I feel proud of her, but also not a little jealous at her courage. Another good chat - I decided that maybe I should also try and challenge myself physically to get to the bottom of what (if anything) is going on in my mind...

I have started a big diagram or all the information I am getting from the personality questionnaires I'm doing. Not enough to draw conclusions yet, but some interesting observations nonetheless...

Also have today taken delivery of a piece of music creation software. This is a big step for me - I love music and have wanted to dabble for years. I'm not much cop with playing instruments directly (too impatient), but I do have a good intuitive sense of rhythm and pitch. Anyway I'm not too sure why it scared me so much to take this step, but I finally (after three years) have done so and feel very chuffed!

24-OCT-03: Session 5 last night. Sub modalities. I think I get it, but I'm getting less and less convinced in the classes. Perhaps I'm used to a more authoritarian, or at least commanding, teaching style. I can't decide if our tutors are trying a softly-softly approach or if they just don't know their stuff to a very deep level.

Music software is a challenge, but great fun. My target is to produce some mixed CDs (i.e. just mixing others' tunes) for the teamcharlie.co.uk awards.

I've been doing some navel gazing on why it was so hard for me to buy the software in the first place. Basically I think I was worried that I'd love it too much and have to totally change my life-plan to pursue a career as a DJ or something equally mad. These dreams and talents I have suppressed so that I can 'get on with my career' are finally fighting their way out, but I feel like they are mental scabs - picking at them is painful and unpleasant...

28-OCT-03: Making lots of progress on my goal with the help of some magnificent self-discovery tests. The feeling I get is that I am just about to breakthrough a barrier and see a new landscape on the other side...

I'm progressing with my diagram well, but it's taking up lots of space. Well worth doing, though, it's helping to crystallise my thoughts on many things. I'm going to have a big effort on it today with the aim of completing it this week.

04-NOV-03: Half term last week, and I seem to have come to a grinding halt. Little to no progress has been made on my goal. There is loads going on at the moment, but I need to get some serious reading time in. I'm a week behind on my goal action plan...

On the plus side a few of the others from the class have visited the site and it's nice to get some feedback from them - it's feeling like a proper community now!

06-NOV-03: Had another lesson last night and it was (again) really positive. Although I find the tutors a bit difficult (one in particular is somewhat confrontational and aggressive) the group members always make it a great experience. There was a huge smash on the A3, so Guildford was gridlocked with traffic all night, as a result we had only about half the class and filled in some time reviewing our progress on our goals so far...

Reviewing my progress made me realise how far I have come. I'm now some two weeks behind on my plan, but the initial part of the work took loads longer because I did lots more than planned. As a result I do feel that I am semi-complete on my goal. I know that I want to work for myself, doing lots of things for lots of different people (Like portfolio working). When choosing what to do, I now have a much clearer idea of what will interest and motivate me. However I'm not certain enough about it all yet to go the final step: setting the next set of goals based on my discoveries.

The key thing I have found is to keep the momentum going. The break over half-term not only stagnated progress on my goal, but I felt really negative about work and lost hope for the future. Now I'm back on track and have also learnt that I need to keep the momentum going after the class has finished.

So far the only major action has been to create a new version of my CV, but I know I'm on the road, thinking of new things (like getting serious about starting my own company) and really believing that it can work.

12-NOV-03: Good buddy chat last night. I had still felt stagnated over my goal, but Kirsten pointed out that I had managed to achieve most of my goal. I certainly feel much more confident in what I am. I'm not sure if I know exactly what I want to be, but I do feel that I have managed to find out where I am on the map as it were.

There is a definite need to complete the review of the first stage of my goal, but essentially I am now going to begin the process of stating the next goal that arises from this work.

Kirsten also helped loads by suggesting some careers that might suit some of my key talents (see CV). She suggested usability, and this fed into my old desires to be in design. We also talked about knowledge transfer type roles. Feel that I have a few more options now...

14-NOV-03: A much more practical lesson last night - some fun exercises. There have been a few things that have really surprised me with their effectiveness. Last night we looked at SWISH. Essentially you move from a mental image of a situation you want to change to a mental image of the situation as you wish it to me. You practice doing this quickly and saying SWISH! as you do so. Sounds appalling? That's what I though, but it was great fun and really energised me...

Since buddy chat have also spent some time looking for cool companies that might be worth approaching should the time come to move on. There are a decent number out here, which is a big relief to me. The next goal is very likely to be career planning and I'm considering how to go about it best

Whilst I remember, the tutors provided us with a handout on the Ten Components of a Thinking Environment. It's really inspiring to read in my opinion, as I haven't found one with a copyright on it as yet, I have reproduced it here

21-NOV-03: Firstly I'd like to say that although I have been somewhat critical of the tutors previously, that I believe we are making headway and that last night's lesson was much more positive as a result. No criticisms at all after last night.

Also there was another cheesy exercise that turned out to be great. In this one you have to imagine a circle on the floor. You then recall an experience that gave you lots of a feeling that you might need to overcome an issue. In my case I feel very lethargic and "what's the point?" about work at the moment. I thought of a time when I felt very successful and appreciated. Then you simply step into the circle and really concentrate on visualising the scene. Steve was a huge help here and gave me lots of time to enjoy the experience. It simply felt great, I felt empowered, happy, confident - all the things that I felt when I was having the recalled experience.

The best bit is where you step out of the circle and take it with you for use when you need it. Frankly I still feel high from the experience last night, but I'll let you know about how the use of my circle goes!

01-DEC-03: Last week was our penultimate lesson. We got the chance in the previous lesson to specify the topics we wanted covered. As a class we had chosen dealing with difficult people. Basically in attempting to put into practice our learning in NLP we had found that some people can really throw you off track.

True to their word, the tutors developed a bespoke lesson for us. Rather disconcertingly they had decided to use a situation I had described as an example. They duly got me to perform a series of role-plays in front of the class designed to help me understand a difficult interaction I had outlined to them.

Firstly they got me to examine the situation from my own point of view. Then they got me to sit opposite 'myself' and act in the role of the other person to understand things from their perspective. Already very powerful (and difficult in front of the whole class), but there was more! The next step was to take a third chair and act in the role of an independent observer in an attempt to see the situation without any particular perceptions. This did seem to help get more clarity, but once I had dried up of thoughts in that chair they duly provided a fourth chair and asked me to dissociate myself even further and observe the relationship between the observer and 'myself'.

This I though was a step too far as I had already exhausted my insights, but in taking the chair and being facilitated through the exercise I got another set of insights and began to really understand what was going on. Frankly, I was blown away.

Finally, they got me to return to my chair and say precisely how I felt to the person with whom I had a difficult interaction. The idea was to use the anger to be assertive with. It really worked and was very cathartic to say in front of everyone.

Later we examined our feeling in these difficult situations by continually asking "and how does that make me feel?" until we could go now further. It seems that nearly everyone who does this discovers that the reason they are hurt or angered by an interaction is because they feel that they are not valued. This information is powerful because understanding why you feel what you do means you can understand how to state the problem and frame a goal to overcome it.

I've learned a lot in the final weeks of the course. The discussions in the class and those it has generated between Sarah and myself have proved very telling. I know much more now who I am, and I think I feel more confident in expressing that. In the case of my problem interaction I felt angry because I felt the other person did not value me. However I discovered that I also did not value them, and that generally my attitude to authority figures is a 'them and us' attitude stemming from a series of bad experiences in my school life. Now I know this I can change it.

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